Newlywed's Bliss

Oh, November. That special month that somehow magically reminds everyone to be thankful. You get hashtags like #30daysofThanks and obviously the holiday of Thanksgiving is the ultimate reminder to call to mind all of our blessings. It’s not that we’re not thankful for the rest of the year, it’s just that the winter season is all about new life, spending time with loved ones, sharing meals and starting fresh. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are catalysts for a lot of the change we experience every year, and that’s awesome. It’s also awesome to remember every single day that we have way more blessings than we deserve.

{credit}

Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts is changing my life right now. She felt as though she were going through life always wanting more time. Sometimes it seems like we all want more time to do the things we love, and it feels like we’ll never get it. But the problem isn’t finding time for all the best parts of life, it’s realizing that every part of life is the best part. Everything is a gift. Everything is something to be thankful for. At first, this idea seems super cheesy to me. I imagine my childhood prayers of “God, thank you for my brother. Thank you for my mommy and daddy. Thank you for my friends.” And that’s kind of how it goes. Except, the more you acknowledge the gifts around you, the deeper it gets. Soon, we start to realize how deep the Father’s love for us really goes. He is in every detail. Every moment is a gift from Him.

Personally, I find it much easier to be negative. My friend Rebecca recently told me that she’s always able to comfort herself by remembering that no matter what, it’s good to be alive. To be perfectly honest, I don’t always feel that way. I don’t always feel like at the end of the day, it is a good thing to be alive. I think it’s difficult and brutal and complicated. So because my personality generally leans toward the negative side of things, I have to really genuinely try to find things to be thankful for. I have to stop myself from complaining, and I have to really look for the good around me. The amazing thing is that once I actually open my eyes and my heart to all of the good in life, it’s very clear that I’m surrounded by beautiful things. There is an infinite amount of things to be thankful for every single day.

I don’t have much else to say on the topic other than that.
Be thankful. All the time.
The world is imperfect. Especially right now in a time where people are confused and angry and afraid. Super storms and elections and debates and sickness. All of that sucks, it really does. But when you are able to open your eyes and see the little things, you start to change: the sunlight streaming into your home, the baby that smiles at you, the husband that will be with you forever, even when things get hard. All of these things are good, and they are all worth living for. So look around and be thankful.

One of the hardest things for me to adjust to in marriage has been the merging of the money. When we got married, Robert had already had several “real” jobs and could support himself successfully. He knew how to balance a budget and how to save and spend well. On the other hand, I had no idea what I was doing. I was still relying pretty heavily on my mom for financial support and wasn’t sure about the idea of living completely on my own. I had a job in retail, which I didn’t feel was good enough or adult enough. I felt like I was going to move straight from dependence on my mom to dependence on my husband. And in all honesty, that is what really happened.

{source}

When we first got married, we kept our bank accounts separate. My husband had recently started his own business, and the excuse was that if anything happened early on to the business, my credit and my name would be unharmed by a loss. I would take my paycheck and pay some bills and keep every single penny of what was left for whatever selfish purchases I wanted to make. He would pay the rent through his account, and we wouldn’t talk about it much unless I ran out of money and couldn’t pay my portion. This method gave me very little accountability. I have very weak willpower when it comes to spending money, and I can easily blow through all my extra money on tiny things that add up way too quickly. I found myself hiding a lot of my purchases, afraid that he would be disappointed in where my money went every month. I know I could have been honest with him and he would have forgiven me, but my own shame kept me from sharing with him. I wanted so badly every month to be able to control myself in the makeup section at Target and say that I had leftover money, but I just never did. I couldn’t do it, and keeping our money separate enabled me to continue that way for a while.

Part of the lesson in spending money was very personal for me. It was a matter of my idols and what I held as the most important thing in my life. I wanted more stuff, even when I didn’t need any. I wanted more makeup just because it was pretty and made me feel good. I wanted new, nice things. I wanted all these more than I wanted to honor my husband and his hard work. I wanted all these more than I wanted to honor God. It’s still a daily struggle for me, and I probably should never be allowed to walk around Target by myself.

{source}

The biggest lesson for me in all this was in honesty. Being dishonest with my husband in any area of our life does not facilitate life and growth, it only invites negativity and distrust. The feeling of anxiety in my stomach is not worth it, and even if it seems like such a small thing, any amount of dishonesty between a husband and wife can be fatal in the end. Money is such a touchy thing and can have such a huge impact on people. I’ve heard plenty of times that money is one of the top reasons couples fight, and I’ve seen it cause huge rifts in between couples. In the end, it’s just not worth it. Whether you share a bank account or keep everything separate, honesty in finances (and in everything, honestly) is the way to go. Even if you’re still struggling to figure out which way is best for you, I really want to encourage you to come clean with your husband about struggles you may be having financially. I struggle to resist buying the small things, such as cute little items in the checkout line. Rob struggles with bigger things; he’ll wait for months and then out of the blue, he’ll buy a new, expensive xbox game. Everyone has their own struggle with money, but I truly believe they’ll be resolved ten times faster if we are honest with each other about it.

Merging two lives together through marriage is so much more complex than I thought it would be. Somehow I always thought of my future husband as my future roommate, where many things are still kept separate even when sharing a house. I quickly found out that merging two lives is a big undertaking, and it can take a lot of time to come together in a way that satisfies everyone. I also quickly found out that two people have a lot of combined possessions. We just have so much stuff.

{saying goodbye to my childhood home}

Last month, my mom finally sold our childhood home, where I lived from the time I was 8 to 18. Saying goodbye to that haven that I loved so much has been hard, but I’ve also encountered the unexpected burden of even more stuff. For the past few years while the house was on the market, I left behind boxes of items I didn’t need but didn’t want to throw away yet. Dolls, soccer trophies, baby stuff, etc. Now that the house is sold, all of those things are with me again, and Rob has discovered that we need even more storage space. However, the older I get, the more I realize I don’t want all the clutter in my life. As much as I cherish some of the items I’ve held onto over the years, I don’t want a house full of things that I never use or even look at. And I know that Rob wasn’t expecting to have even more boxes and storage containers line the walls of our apartment. At the same time, it’s so hard to decide what to keep and what to give up forever. Here are some questions to ask while going through your childhood things:

{sad, empty house}

+ Is there really sentimental value in it? It can be really difficult to choose to throw away or give away an item that was a part of your childhood. I’m a very sentimental person, so I can find a memory attached to just about anything. I also believe there has to be a limit to what we hold onto. Does every item I want to keep have true sentimental value? Do I need every single one of the dolls I played with as a girl to help me remember how much fun I had? Probably not. I figure that if I can explain to my husband why it’s important to me and he thinks it’s valid, I can keep it. If I really can’t come up with enough memories or good reasons to hold onto something, then maybe it’s time to let it go.

+ Does it make sense to hold onto for my future children? Now that we’re married, it’s reasonable to think we may be having our own children in the relatively near future. If you’ve been lucky enough to hold onto some of your childhood toys, books or blankets, it can be wonderful to pass them along. Find the items that are in great condition and keep them that way! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding onto some pieces for a few years so that your children can use them in the future. We have a set of really nice Disney pictures that don’t make sense to hang up now, but I know in the future they’ll look great in a child’s room.

+ Can it add aesthetic value to my home? I think it’s safe to say that most decoration in the home is pretty useless. Pictures, vases, trinkets. They don’t actually serve a purpose, but they are nice to look at. Maybe there is a blanket or pillow from your childhood that fits into your home decor now. I’ve inherited some beautiful jewelry boxes from my family that I held onto just because they looked nice. If you have an item from your childhood that could work well as decoration, hold onto it and find the perfect place for it. Those items can also have a great story behind them.

I think for the most part we know what is useful to us and what isn’t. It’s just so hard to let go of pieces of our childhood. Thankfully, we are sharing our living spaces with men, and they are more than happy to help us figure out what should and should not stay in the home. If you truly can’t decide what to part with, let your husband help you sort through it all. I think that it’s worth it to sort through all the things that can become just stuff in order to have a happy, clean home. Maybe you’re moving and you have to decide what to keep from the previous stage in your life. Maybe it’s just time declutter your home. Whatever the case may be, it’s always good to sort through what you own and make sure there’s a good reason to keep what you have. It also helps you really appreciate what you do have when there’s less clutter to hide it all.

{an embarrassing set of pictures of my brother and i, just for fun}