There are few things that can instantly strike fear into the heart or cause rampant bouts of dry heaving like the word Communication. It can be like riding a rundown carnival ride that’s pumping diesel into the atmosphere leaving you feeling clammy and nauseous. So how can something that puts us on the defensive right off the bat be so essential to our relationships? How can we ensure that we’re truly hearing our spouse and that our spouse is truly hearing us?

photo courtesy of flickr

My husband and I are fairly amiable people, even being compared to Jane Bennett and Charles Bingley from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice on occasion. During our pre-marriage counseling, we honestly didn’t foresee too many arguments in our future. Realistically, we figured there would be hard times, but we had no doubt we’d be able to get through them. We’re not screamers, we don’t insult each other, and we’re pretty passive. We discovered that our typical arguments stemmed from gross miscommunications. However, soon after marriage, any attempts to understand each other usually ended in a downward spiral and a fiery crash. I would completely shut down and my poor husband was at a loss of what to do or say next. Can we say unhealthy?

It wasn’t until we started attending a marriage class at our church that we discovered a powerful tool called Active Listening. Our teachers called it “a structured way of listening and responding to others”. They pointed out that during arguments we’re not listening to our spouse, we’re planning what we’re going to say next in our defense. How true is that?! We watched dumbfounded as our instructors had a few couples in the class try out this technique for us all to see. Since then, it has not only helped us use our grown-up words and ensured that each of us was being heard, but it has also made it easier to get to the root of what we were truly trying to convey. Here’s the breakdown of how it works:

1. Either you or your spouse asks the other to speak about a problem. (If you’re in the middle of a heated argument and can’t see straight enough to try this, then step back and schedule a time to speak about the problem later.)
2. The initiator (speaker) communicates 2-3 sentences at a time.
3. The listener repeats or paraphrases the speaker’s words back to them. The listener can ask if what they’ve stated back is correct or not. If not, then the speaker should rephrase what they’ve said until the listener understands and is able to repeat it back correctly. (NOTE: THIS IS NOT ABOUT AGREEING WITH THE SPEAKER, IT’S ABOUT REPEATING BACK WHAT THEY ARE SAYING.)
4. Continue with steps 2 and 3 until the speaker is finished.
5. The listener then tells the speaker why he/she makes sense in how they are feeling. You are putting yourself in your spouse’s shoes and telling them that you understand where they are coming from.
6. The roles than reverse and the listener shares their point of view on the topic at hand, and so on.

Image credit: Stacey B.

Here’s an example:  Madge and Doug just purchased a home. Doug has tackled various home projects, but has not yet changed the front door locks.

Madge: “Honey, I think we need to talk about the front door locks. I think it would be a good Active Listening trial run.”

Doug: “Sure.”

Madge: “I’m feeling pretty frustrated that the front door locks still haven’t been changed. I know you’re working really hard, but it’s very important to me that these be changed now that we’re living here.”

Doug: “You’re feeling frustrated that I haven’t changed the front door locks, especially since it’s so important to you. You do recognize how hard I’ve been working on everything else, though.”

Madge: “Yes. I feel like I’ve asked you before to help with this, but nothing has really happened and I’m not sure why.”

Doug: “You have asked me before to help with this, but I haven’t finished the job and you’re not sure why.”

Madge: “Yes. I don’t feel safe in our house. I’m afraid every time we go to bed. I don’t know how many keys are out there for the old lock, and I don’t really feel like it’s our home yet.”

Doug: “You don’t feel safe in our house and you’re afraid, especially at night, because you don’t know how many keys exist for the old locks. You don’t feel like it’s truly our home yet.”

Madge: “Yes.”

Doug: “Your frustration makes sense to me, because you are feeling unsafe in our home by my not fixing the door locks. You want to feel safe and know that our home has brand new locks.”

Doug: “I had thought that there were other projects that were more important to you than the door locks, so I’ve been working hard on finishing those, first.”

Madge: “You thought that other projects were more important to me than the door locks, so you’ve been working hard to finish those for me, first.”

Doug: “Yes. When we moved in, you mentioned the locks eventually needing to be changed, and I agreed, but I don’t think we ever put it at the very top of the list.”

Madge: “When we moved in, you remember that we talked about the locks needing to be changed eventually, but we never put a high priority on it.”

Doug: “Yes. I had no idea how afraid you have been. Had I known, the locks would have been the first to be changed, because it’s my job to take care of you.”

Madge: “You didn’t know how afraid I was feeling because of the locks. If you had known, you would have changed those first, because it’s your job to take care of me.”

Doug: “Yes.”

Madge: “Your frustration makes sense to me, because you were trying to please me by tackling those projects you thought were most important to me. You did not know how afraid I felt because of the door locks, otherwise you would have changed them first, because it’s your job to take care of me.”

Does that make sense? You can see how they both have a better idea of how the other is feeling and the reasoning behind the actions.

Active Listening is not about going on the defensive, it’s not about maliciously attacking your spouse and telling them how you think they are falling short. It’s impossible to even think about getting defensive when you have to repeat back to your spouse what they’ve just said, and that’s a good thing! This is about sharing how things are REALLY making you feel in a safe, low-key environment where you’re ensured that your spouse is hearing you. It’s not even about finding closure at the end and walking away with a decision being made. I don’t think my husband and I have ever walked away from an Active Listening session with absolute closure on a decision. However, it has made the decision making all the easier later on. The point is to understand where your spouse is coming from so that you can take those things into account when you’re making your decision. You are getting to see both sides of the coin.

photo courtesy of coffeegeek.com

My husband and I have used this with everything from how to plan our holidays with our families to our feelings about having children to financial decisions. We generally try to sit together when we do this, especially for the larger topics, but we have tackled some smaller miscommunications while completing simple tasks. I’m going to be honest, it will feel silly doing this, especially in the beginning. There may be awkwardness or fear that you’re not doing it right, but don’t let that stop you. It’s a learning process, just like every other area of marriage, and it will yield results and will get easier. If it’s difficult to keep things from getting too heated, try and schedule a coffee date and either go for a walk or sit in the corner of a quiet coffee shop where that will help create a more relaxed atmosphere. Remember, this is about creating a safe environment for you both to share what is on your heart and ensure that you are both being heard. Our jobs are to care for one another. What better way to care for each other than taking the time to listen.

I’ll leave you with a quote and a verse that our teachers loved to share with us in every class:

“Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” Martin Luther

Philippians 2: 1-4 “Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

My name is Stacey, and I have lived all my life in Northern California. I’m a simple girl who God chose to have wait a little longer before introducing me to my sweet husband. Mark and I met through mutual friends when I was 28. They set us up on what I like to call a “beyond blind date”, since neither of us actually knew we were being set up. It was memorable, to say the least. There was lots of croquet, awkwardness, and Talladega Nights (because Will Ferrell movies are always fun to break the tension, right?). It took a few months, but the two of us eventually saw how much better our lives were with each other and excitedly stepped out in faith. We will have been married for three years this October! After going crazy on Dave Ramsey’s financial plan, we purchased our first home last December, and I was able to leave my position as an Administrative Assistant to take on the role of a stay-at-home wife. I have been able to tackle some of our home projects as well as help my self-employed husband with some of his work. Waiting is not new to us by any means, and we are currently watching God once again show how His plans are much different from our own, as we desire to welcome little ones into our family. Other hobbies include gardening, crocheting, reading, photography, blogging (A Constant Surprise), spending time with our three kitties, and other domestic sorts of pursuits that Donna Reed would be proud of.