When it comes to money, is there such a thing as little white lies? Should you really have to justify your spending to your spouse? After all, you’re both adults!

Apparently, many women (and men too) find themselves telling “white lies” to their spouse about how much they spend. In an article in SELF magazine, a survey by SELF and Today.com revealed that of more than 23,000 people surveyed, 46% lied to their significant other about money, although only 28% said their significant other had ever lied to them.

Image: toptensthings.com

Does it really matter?

Yes. The article quotes Amanda Clayman, a psychotherapist who specializes in financial wellbeing, “Money is connected to our sense of security. Most people experience any breach of that security as a profound breach of trust.” The survey data confirms that statement: 70% of women claimed “being honest about money is as important as being monogamous.”

Yet, the lying continues. Women confessed to hiding receipts and purchases, pretending their new buy wasn’t new, or telling their spouse they bought it on sale, when in fact, they hadn’t, and paying partly in cash for cosmetic treatments such as botox, hair cuts, and highlights.

Image from the movie "Confessions of a Shopaholic"

Why It Matters

Lying about money can harm your relationship in several ways. First, like I mentioned already, it undermines trust. Trust is absolutely essential for a lasting, happy relationship. Secondly, the guilt and secrets create distance between you. When you can’t be totally honest with each other, you begin to move apart. It also damages intimacy. You can’t be emotionally intimate if you’re burdened with guilt, and as a result, it will be extremely difficult to fully give yourself to your husband physically.

How to Talk About Money

The SELF article lists several questions that should be discussed before marriage, but it’s not too late! Sit down with your spouse and answer these questions:

1. How did your family handle money? Chances are, it’s influenced you and your spouse more than you realize!

2. What are your financial goals? Can you agree on these?

3. What are your financial values? Being debt-free, giving generously?

4. What are your financial weaknesses and successes? It could be anything from sales, internet shopping, to balancing a checkbook.

5. Do you have debt? A secret nest egg?

6. What do you value spending money on? What really matters to you?

Next Steps

Now that you have a better understanding of each other’s strengths, weaknesses, and history, you can create a better strategy moving forward. SELF’s article mentions two methods touted by experts, the first of which is to “Agree to keep each other in the loop about your day-to-day spending, whether it’s weekly grocery bills or spur-of-the-moment-spring shopping spree.” In addition to telling each other how you’ve spent every time you make a purchase, sit down together at least once a month to review your financial goals and check your progress. April Lane Benson, a psychologist, says this method only works well if both partners are on the same page, and focused on reaching their goals, not “micromanaging each other
‘s spending.” She suggests this method for couples who are working through past financial infidelity or working towards a big financial goal.

Image: mybank4me.com

The second method is to come to an agreement on how much each of you can spend without having to report it. In essence, you each get an allowance to spend however you want, and once that’s gone, you’ll need to discuss any more purchases with each other. Amanda Clayman says “People deserve some privacy and autonomy with money, as with other parts of the relationship. The key is that you agree on how far that autonomy goes. To reach that kind of agreement, you need to look at your budget together and say, ‘After we cover our main expenses and contribute to our savings accounts, each of us has X amount of money we can spend without having to justify it.’”

Brian and I mainly use the second method. We each get “fun money” to spend however we want to, but since it’s not very much, there’s also money in our budget for things we might want to spend more on, like clothing and car maintenance. If I really need a new pair of shoes, I can talk about it with Brian, and we’ll decide it can come out of clothing. If I really want a new pair of shoes, I can always buy it from my fun money. Having fun money means that I get just as much to spend on my hobbies as Brian does his, and we both have the option to save it up for something big that we want (what I do), or spend it on candy at the gas station (what Brian often does). It keeps the saver in me, and the spender in Brian happy!

Read the entire SELF article here.

Have you and your spouse discussed questions like the ones above? What did you discover?